Layers

One of my greatest difficulties communicating with Asperger’s syndrome has to do with how deeply and powerfully I feel (emotionally) and the seemingly formless amoeba of ideas in my head that I struggle to put into some semblance of spoken language. This becomes particularly challenging when I’m trying to find the right word to express something. More often than not, adjectives like amazing, huge, beautiful, horrific, painful and difficult are pathetic and almost insulting when compared to the magnitude of what I really think and feel.

My wife has suggested that this difficulty of mine actually comes to me because I have true charity, but don’t know how to harness it properly yet. I was told in my patriarchal blessing that charity would be my most used spiritual gift, so I do believe that my feelings reflect that gift of the Spirit, but that I haven’t “grown into it” yet.

But the main point I want to make with this has to do with things prophets have expressed as paramount concerns in our lives. I’m talking about things like studying the Book of Mormon daily, working hard at building our relationships, families and homes, and learning to develop the gift of discernment. Much of that has to do with the idea expressed in this quote from Visions of Glory by John Pontius (pg. 65):

“…anytime Christ descends and speaks to a mortal, it is so weighty with meaning that mere words cannot convey the fulness of the truths given. The message is layered. First are the words He speaks, and then there is a vastly larger body of truth you receive spiritually, layer upon layer, more truth than you can understand for years afterward. One small moment in the presence of the Savior can last for a lifetime.

This is the reason the scriptures are so powerful, because they contain the words spoken by Christ, and this layered truth is still there, spiritually interwoven with those words. It takes a lifetime of spiritual growth and obedience to be able to receive the deeper layers. They are truly there, and they contain the great mysteries and greater truths He desires that we acquire and enjoy in our lifetime” (p. 65).

Those spiritual layers aren’t just in the scriptures, but in everything Christ created, including us. Everyone has those spiritual layers to them. Everyone has all the minute, nuanced details of our thoughts, feelings, desires, experiences and beliefs written in layers into every fiber of our being. All of this information is forever woven into our very sinews, so as John Pontius says at another point in his book, Christ can literally read us like a book.

I have pondered on this idea for a long time and wished and longed and yearned and desperately desired the ability to do that.

If you’ve seen Ender’s Game, you’ll know what I’m talking about when I say this, but there’s a part where Ender wonders if, instead of attacking their alien “enemies,” there’s not a more diplomatic solution. Since they can’t speak English and their communication is more telepathic, Ender wonders, “What if we could communicate with them? What if we could… you know… think to them? What if they could think to us?”

Obviously the Lord’s plan for me has not yet allowed me to have telepathic or empathic abilities. However, something like that would be so helpful for me to dig through all the spiritual, emotional and mental layers of those I love so I could communicate more the true nature of my thoughts, feelings, and experiences completely and accurately.

A specific example of the true force, sanctity, and power of being able to dig into deep spiritual layers is illustrated in Tad R. Callister’s book The Infinite Atonement when he writes about the angel who came to minister to Christ in the Garden of Gethsemane. Yes, I know I reference that book a lot, but there’s just so much good stuff in there! Here’s the quote:

“What divine messenger offered such aid? … Certainly at such a critical moment in the destiny of man, this angel must have been a being of towering stature [spiritually]. [The Angel] could not take the Savior’s place … but what he could do, he no doubt wanted to do. Perhaps he was there to console him, to comfort him, to support him, maybe even to bless him. The scriptures are silent as to the nature of the exchange between Christ and his angelic visitor. No doubt this was one of the those moments so sacred it was not to be recorded in the annals of man. Evidently certain thoughts of the [S]pirit are so lofty, so poignant, that thee cannot be reduced to the oral language or written word of man. They simply defy mortal expression. Surely this was one of those moments” (p. 123-124).

The process of transcending mortal language to be able communicate on such a higher level and discern those spiritual layers is actually—believe it or not—a gift we can have right now. I won’t claim that it is easy to attain to such a high spiritual stature. Such “Zion-esque” abilities take time, immense righteous sacrifice, and personal spiritual capacity to develop. However, according to John Pontius in his other book, The Triumph of Zion, we still may not have to wait until then to get to that point. 

“Do we, as individuals, have the authority to pursue a personal place in Zion? For nearly two centuries most of us have left the future of Zion in the hands of the latter-day Church with no sense of personal responsibility other than faithful membership. Is it even appropriate for us to adopt a personal quest to obtain a Zion stature when the Church says little about this aspect of the latter-day Zion? Even if it is within our reach, is it within our calling and our privilege to do this? Can we just march up to the veil and purchase a seat on a bus that the Lord apparently mothballed some 160 years ago?

I believe the answer to all of these questions is a resounding yes! The first reason is that the bus to Zion was not mothballed, it was merely given a more personal destination. The second reason for so believing is that the Lord is no respecter of persons. Anyone who obeys the laws of Zion must, by divine justice, be given the blessings of Zion—”even to as many as believe on my name” (JST Genesis 14:29)—regardless of whether it is time for Zion to exist as a city or not” (p. 173).

Can you imagine how amazing that would be? Imagine how much contention we could avoid if we could simply see… er… feel into another persons heart spiritually. Think about how much easier it would be to refrain from passing judgement on people and holding grudges if we could instantly understand the whole context of someone’s words or actions. We could become one so much faster! And as the Savior said, “. . . if ye are not one, ye are not mine.” Of course, we should still stop judging and holding on to grudges either way, but one day mortal language and communication will no longer be stumbling blocks. Why not make that day sooner than later?

I don’t know about you, but I fully intend to work towards that goal. I have complete faith that the ability to comprehend all the spiritual layers of those I love can be mine just as soon as I find within myself the will to make whatever sacrifice is necessary to reach such a goal. Why not you, too? I say go for it!

The Wound is the Place Where the Light Enters You

During our family scripture study growing up, my dad had a habit of interjecting his own personal thoughts, explanations, and anecdotes every… maybe 0.7 verses.

Okay, that’s probably a bit of an exaggeration, but you get the point. In my and my siblings’ kid brains, we were often mildly annoyed at him for doing this, but it was a good thing he did. Today in my own personal scripture study, I do that  possibly more than even he did—and I enjoy it!

My wife caught on too and began with me to find gospel parallels in many parts of everyday life: in books, movies, shows, etc. Considering that our tastes of what constitutes a good movie make it really difficult for us to find one that we both want to watch over and over and over again, if we ever tell you of a movie that we both actually enjoyed together and want to watch again, you know it’s a must-see. It also means, however, that we have both seen a crazy amount of gospel parallels in it.

One of those is A Wrinkle In Time. There is one particularly profound, yet often feared, truth in that movie I want to discuss here. It’s when Mrs. Who says, “The wound is the place where the light enters you.”

Rather than just diving right into my personal take on this, let’s go to the scriptures for examples of where this truth is taught.

Replacing Darkness with Light

Take a look at 3 Nephi 9 in the Book of Mormon. Chapter 8 ends by talking about the mourning, howling, weeping, wailing, and tangible darkness all over the face of the land after the catastrophic destruction of the Americas following Christ’s death. With this perspective, the timing of what happens in chapter 9 is absolutely awesome. Almost the entire chapter is the voice of Christ speaking to the hearts of everyone who was spared and inviting them to come unto Him. They literally heard the audible voice of Christ speaking to each one of them!

Notice the timing of that: it was right in the middle of the deepest darkness and their most desperate cries for help that they heard His voice. Only when they were brought face-to-face with total darkness did they hear the clear, piercing, soothing, inviting voice of the Lord.

Another thing that really caught my attention was that the moment when the darkness around them completely paralyzed them with fear and left them physically immobile was the same moment where the voice of Christ stunned them so much that all the crying and moaning immediately stopped.

It was in that moment that the voice of Christ had so much power that it turned great guilt and mental and emotional suffering into a change of heart.

If you look carefully at the scriptures and the lives of righteous saints, you will always see that the Lord establishes consistent patterns of teaching and changing us. I have seen His pattern of using these starkly contrasting opposites of darkness and light in my own life in moments when it felt like the Lord “injected” light into me. He always does this for me by first arranging for a dark hole or injury to open up—something I am perhaps afraid to expose or don’t feel ready to confront. The effect of that wound opening inside me feels something like the sound of a that egg Harry Potter opens after the first task in the Triwizard Tournament. Yet as that hole opens up and that fear, anger, hurt or loneliness is exposed, He can then displace it with His light because of His Atonement.

Exposing the Wound 

My wife and I have had multiple painful experiences like this in the last few years. If you read my article about the power of a covenant, you’ll get a short taste of the medical horrors my wife has faced. But in the last few years, through several hospital admissions lasting from a few weeks to a few months, she has faced pains and health problems that are an entirely new ballpark even for her. Learning to witness her suffering while often being unable to do a thing about it has also been its own struggle on my end as well. However, each time something new comes up—something that further complicates my wife’s pain and requires me to be more patient and creative in making her comfortable enough to get by (even when I feel like there’s absolutely nothing more I can do and the situation feels unbearable for both of us)—something divine happens. And in the last few years, those experiences have always taken place in the hospital.

In those times, the Lord uses those dark moments to speak to us in ways that do more than just make us feel better. He heals the source of the wound while it’s exposed. 

My social/communication difficulties with Asperger’s syndrome has presented quite a few hurdles for my wife and I to overcome as a couple. However, last year during my wife’s longest hospital admission, there were a few days where the nerve pain was so bad that it put her in a different mental state. She was acting as if she had just had her wisdom teeth pulled, yet you could tell her judgement wasn’t impaired at all. 

After a few days of this I realized that this mental state of hers was something spiritual. For those few days, she might as well have had one foot on each side of the veil with the spiritual gifts and abilities she had. One of those gifts was the ability to speak and listen in such a way that it was impossible for me to misunderstand her, and vice versa. During those few days, we had, among other things, conversations that totally resolved deep-seated issues in each of our hearts. These were issues that were so sensitive that speaking to each other about them was nearly impossible without creating contention, yet we were able to completely resolve them!

This gift of the Spirit, temporarily granted to us because of my wife’s pain-induced mental state, resulted in these unspeakably painful emotional wounds being cleaned, treated, and proverbially wrapped up in celestial white bandages, never to be worried about again.

“What if Your Blessings Come Through Raindrops?”

 

As the song “Blessings” by Laura Story says:

“What if your blessings come through rain drops?

What it your healing comes through tears?

What if a thousand sleepless nights is what it takes to know you’re near?

What if trials of this life are you mercies in disguise?”

I certainly know this is true because I have seen it happen in so many ways firsthand. The most brilliant, holy light always shines for and in us when it can enter us via our deepest wounds. We just to stop being afraid to expose those parts of us and let in the light.

Learning From Example

During my scripture study this morning, I was in Alma 15 where Alma and Amulek had just escaped the prison in Ammonihah and went to establish the church in Sidom. When they got there they found out that Zeezrom, having realized the error of his ways, "lay sick at Sidom with a burning fever, which was caused by the great tribulations of his mind on account of his wickedness... and [his sins] did harrow up his mind until it did become exceedingly sore, having no deliverance; therefore he began to be scorched with a burning heat." (Alma 15:3)

I thought about that for a while and then considered the result of that kind of repentance, which it goes over in a more detail in verses 5 - 12, where "...they found him upon his bed, sick, being very low with a burning fever; and his mind also was exceedingly sore because of his iniquities; and when he saw them he stretched forth his hand, and besought them that they would heal him.

"And it came to pass that Alma said unto him, taking him by the hand: Believest thou in the power of Christ unto salvation?

"And he answered and said: Yea, I believe all the words that thou hast taught.

"And Alma said: If thou believest in the redemption of Christ thou canst be healed.

"And he said: Yea, I believe according to thy words.

"And then Alma cried unto the Lord, saying: O Lord our God, have mercy on this man, and heal him according to his faith which is in Christ.

"And when Alma had said these words, Zeezrom leaped upon his feet, and began to walk; and this was done to the great astonishment of all the people; and the knowledge of this went forth throughout all the land of Sidom.

"And Alma baptized Zeezrom unto the Lord; and he began from that time forth to preach unto the people."

The cause and effect of this story in my mind got me feeling a much greater desire to make every time I repent like this instance with Zeezrom. He felt 100% true Godly sorrow so much that he wanted to abandon his sins and received forgiveness, as President Russell M. Nelson would say, "with the same intensity that a drowning person has when grasping and gasping for air." How often is my repentance like that? How often is any of our repentance really like that? Rarely. But look at the result! That kind of repentance permanently changed Zeezrom's life for the better. Imagine how much happier we could be, how much more peace and unity with God we could have if we wanted to abandon our sins (of commission and omission) as intensely as a drowning person grasping for air!

That should be a hashtag, seriously. #repentlikeZeezrom. But on that note, why not look at other examples of gospel principles in the scriptures? Let's take a look at a few.

#gratitudelikeAmmon

In the spirit of Thanksgiving week (at least for the U.S.), studying Alma 26 provides a fantastic example of humble gratitude for the blessings of missionary work, making others happy, the love and mercy of God, sacrifice and more. Here are just a few of the expressions of gratitude he gives after asking his companions, "I ask, what great blessings [God] has bestowed upon us? Can ye tell?"

Verse 3, "We have been made instrument in the hands of God to bring about this great work. Behold, thousands of them do rejoice, and have been brought into the fold of God."

Verse 12, "I know that I am nothing; as to my strength i am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in [H]is strength I can do all things; yea, behold, many mighty miracles we have wrought in this land, for which we will praise [H]is name forever."

Verse 14, "Yea, we have reason to praise [H]im forever, for [H]e is the Most High God, and has loosed our brethren from the chains of hell."

Verse 17, "Who could have supposed that our God would have been so merciful as to have snatched us from our our awful, sinful, and polluted state?" (italics added)

And all this gratitude was in spite of the mocking and ridicule his own people shot at him. He recounted it, saying "they laughed us to scorn [and] said unto us: Do ye suppose that ye can bring the Lamanites to the knowledge of the truth? Do ye suppose that ye can convince the Lamanites of the incorrectness of the traditions of their fathers, as [stubborn] a people as they are; whose hearts delight in the shedding of blood; whose days have been spend in the grossest iniquity...?"

This didn't deter Ammon. He was thankful for the chance and his efforts were certainly not wasted.

#faithlikeMohonri

More commonly known as The Brother of Jared, Mohonri's story is unique in a number of ways. First, he left for the Americas even before Abram was named Abraham so he wouldn't have even had the pentateuch (five books of Moses) like the Israelites and Lehi did when Lehi left Jerusalem. All he probably had was whatever records there were at the time of God's dealings with His children from Adam up to just after Noah and the flood. He wouldn't have had nearly as many records of prophets testimonies of Jesus Christ as the Nephites had when the Jaredite nation was founded.

With that in mind, remember the story of his asking the Lord to touch the 16 stones and what unexpectedly came of that experience. When the Lord showed Mohonri His spirit body, He said to him "never have I showed myself unto man whom I have created, for never has man believed in me as thou hast." In fact, so great was His faith that Moroni mentioned (and keep in mind this was written after 400 A.D.)  that up to the time when Moroni wrote it, "there never were greater things made manifest than those which were made manifest unto the brother of Jared." He knew this because "the Lord [had] commanded [him] to write them..." and include them in the sealed portion of the plates Joseph Smith had.

Imagine how much faith it would take to make it so that a prophet would write about your faith "he could not be kept from beholding within the veil;" For now I merely aspire to attain this level of faith, in mind, heart and action and hope to one day get to that point.

#charityliketheAmmonites

If you've ever read the Tennis Shoes Among the Nephites series by Chris Heimerdinger, you may remember the part where it mentions that Garth always considered Ammon the greatest missionary of all time. I think there's a good reason for that idea being included in those books. It takes a missionary like Ammon to instill such an incredible love in a people like the converted Lamanites who were later called Ammonites. They were, as Mormon mentions, "distinguished for their zeal towards God and also towards men;...and they did look upon shedding the blood of their brethren with the greatest abhorrence... they would suffer death in the most aggravating and distressing manner which could be inflicted by their brethren, before they would take the sword or cimeter to smite them."

How many people do you know who couldn't, even if their life depended on it, lift a finger or a single word against another human being? Do you know anyone who can't stand the thought of doing or saying anything to hurt another person, even the rapist, the hater, the murderer, the pornographer, the liar, or the abuser? The Ammonites learned to love everyone to the point where, while they would never even entertain the idea of abandoning their faithful and diligent lifestyle, they also would never dream of hurting someone who hated or hurt them because of their faith.

There are a few others I can think of, but I don't have the time to go over them right now. But just think of totally Christ-like examples of other virtues and how you can exemplify those virtues in a similar way in your own life. Heck, when you share this, perhaps pick your favorite or do one of your own.

#humilitylikeKingBenjamin (Mosiah 2:10-26)
#patiencelikeAlma (Alma 14:14-end)
#obediencelikeNephi (1 Nephi 3:15; 4:6-7 and 2 Nephi 33:15)
#diligencelikeJacob (Jacob 2:9-11)
#hopelikeHelaman (Alma 58:33-37)