Divorce

 This is about #divorce. It's the first in a series of posts I recently did on Facebook about matters in society where I see widespread misunderstandings and outright lies about important issues. I know this will be controversial, especially considering the divorce rate in the US today, but I believe the following is something too many who posts about it seems to be missing. If you're patient enough to read through the whole thing, please at least consider what I'm about to say.

To start off with, disclaimer. I have never been divorced, so I can’t comment from my own experience about this, so please go easy on me in whatever judgment you may have in your heart regarding what I talk about here. I know I can't (and won't) even pretend to be any kind of expert on this. What I CAN comment on from personal experience is my having been in both a traumatic, unhealthy, incredibly complicated marriage AND a beautiful, joyful marriage with deep, healthy, meaningful connection and communication. I know first hand the signs of healthy Christ-centered marriages as well as those that are full of red flags and impossibly complicated circumstances. What has me worried is so many of the posts I have seen in the last few years that seem to be primarily focused on the legal side of this issue. Now I know I have many friends who are divorced and this has nothing to do directly with any of them, so let me just put that out there from the start. 

**So buckle up, here we go. If you have the patience and open heart to read through all of this and even consider some of the points I make, major kudos to you!**

The further you go back in history the more you will find contracts, promises and covenants entered into purely by word of mouth and people putting more social weight on and therefore more effort into keeping solely oral agreements. Like Denzel Washington said in the movie John Q, “your word is your bond, it’s all you have.” I am convinced that the reason lawyers - and anyone else who deals professionally in legal writ - have such great job security today is because of the rigid and even addictive nature of mankind’s attachment to making sure everything is fair. ( I wrote entire blog on LDS Blogs about why it's a good thing that life isn't fair: https://ldsblogs.com/46162/lifes-not-fair-relief ) To me this display of pedantic selfishness to make sure we get EXACTLY what we think we deserve, EXACTLY when we want it, riveted on what WE believe constitutes proper compensation for injustices against us is the antithesis of Christ’s teachings about how to respond to persecution and mistreatment.

How is it that, as a #society, we have come to cling so tightly to LACK of #trust and in our own self interests that the very first thought on some people’s minds in marriage is a #prenuptial agreements; and if divorce happens the very first thing people look for is #lawyers to make absolutely sure they “get their way”?People’s knee jerk reaction is to turn to mankind’s law like moths to a porch light, vultures to a dead animal or a cocaine addict to their next “fix” so we can “get #justice”.

I saw a divorced woman a while back who put up a very lengthy post about how wise and smart she was for learning from her one divorce what red flags to watch out for in men. And I’m sure she DID learn a lot from that experience, but she also thought that because of her traumatic experience with one guy that that somehow justified the belief that she simply “didn’t need men” in her life. She claimed in one breath that she didn’t hate men, but then proceeded to say that she needed a break from the “male species” among other things that suggested a feeling that we are unwelcome aliens from another planet. She spewed out such a long stream of horribly #sexist and #prejudiced diatribe and what was more disturbing was how many people praised her for it. I am SOOO thankful Collette is absolutely nothing like that. In fact as I was telling her about this post, she said, “No! Talk it out first, then Bishop, then therapy and then, as a very very last resort, legal counsel. That’s like plan infinity Z.” But hold on, I'll get back to that in a moment.

Collette and I talked about all the weighty things that have to do with marriage within our first two weeks of courtship. #Money, whether to pay tithing of gross or net income, all sorts of different aspects of raising children, what we would do if I ever fell back into #addiction, sex and what our sex life would look like, how we would apply all the controversial #gospel standards in our home… and a lot more. One thing we absolutely agreed on is that legal assistance in our marriage would be something to avoid at all costs and that the scriptures and local church leadership and words of the prophets along with counseling, if absolutely necessary, would be our exhaustive source of #mediation should serious conflict come up. I’m not saying that kind of thing IS possible in every marriage, but it CAN be. Because of that, we haven’t had a single fight in 3 1/2 years of marriage. We have even had one issue that, as peaceful as conversations have been about it, we had a very difficult time resolving until only recently. We did it by just continuing to converse calmly about it, not giving up, continuing to make it a matter of prayer, study and discussion when occasion permitted until we finally came to see more eye to eye about it very recently. 

It was something we very strongly disagreed on, but it was NEVER a contention point between the two of us because we CHOSE to allow the words of Christ and His servants to be the #mediator in the matter.

Where some say happy wife, happy life, Collette says “No! It’s happy spouse, happy house!” There is no sexism in our marriage, there is no sarcasm, no belittling, no name calling, no levity (pranks), no secrets, no lies, no screaming, no yelling matches, no stone-walling, no silent treatment, no slamming doors, no threats, no blackmail, no manipulation, and especially NO talk of divorce or even separation. This is not because we have a perfect marriage. There are still plenty of things that we disagree on and times where we have both expressed disappointment in each others choices (in fact one phone call I made recently almost lost Collette her job because of my bad timing) but ALL of it has been resolved by clinging to Christ and God’s laws instead of the weak and utterly #selfish institutions or cultural patterns of mortals. Only the #truth will set you free!

Collette was very familiar with my past of heavy sexual addiction and my recovery but the reason she chose to take a chance with me was because she asked the Lord about me, chose not the judge me by my past and trusted that since I put the Lord first I would put her second as every spouse should. She didn’t turn to societal statistics, input from other women around her or the like. She made it a relationship between me and her and the Lord, period.

Now, if you’ve read this far and are thinking “wait a minute buster, there are tons of marriages out there where there was no way to tell that he/she was gonna go all nuts like they did” and yes, I acknowledge that obviously there are way too many situations where one or both spouses get too relaxed after marriage or even after the girl says “yes” at the proposal and all of the sudden start to slack on remembering important stuff. There are too many relationships where one or both are #dishonest about their natures and then become abusive when things get serious. I get these situations happen and obviously when unrepentant #abuse or #criminal behavior is committed, going through proper legal channels is appropriate relative to the severity of the offense.

But having the first knee jerk reaction of getting legal help right away is much of what is ruining society. Anyone who wants to talk prenuptial agreements when marriage comes up has clearly been conditioned somehow to always plan for an escape hatch to get out of a promise, or ways to sneakily break contracts if things don’t go their way. Whether that’s from bad parents or merely their own cynical, unChristlike outlook on life, what it shows is a lack of commitment to what real marriage is about, the way God defined it, an ETERNAL union based on everything The Family: A Proclamation to the World teaches.

I’m sure this post is likely to ruffle some feathers, especially from those who have been through multiple divorces, and I do readily acknowledge that there are aspects of divorce that, because I have never been through it, I can’t speak as an authoritative or wholly valid voice on the subject. But one person who can is Christ because he felt the pain of every person involved in EVERY divorce ever. I base my comments here on His word, so if you're going to have a problem with what I've said, take it up with God, not me. I welcome peaceful comments and questions here, but will remove those that are contentious. My hopes with this was just to talk about what I see as an elephant in the "room" of marriage and family.

If you really want a top notch advocate with an issue that seems unresolvable in your marriage, consider the following words from Tad R. Callister from "The Infinite Atonement":

"The Savior pleads our case for mercy. He is our advocate. He is the champion of our cause as no other can be. We have seen advocates of law before earthly tribunals - mere mortals who have argued their cases with spellbinding suspense, whose logic was flawless, mastery of the laws disarming, and powerful petitions compelling. Before such mortals, juries have sat in awe, almost with breathless wonder, moved and swayed by every glance, every crafted word, every passionate plea. Yet such advocates, almost Herculean heroes to their patrons, are no match to Him who pleads our case on high. He is the perfect proponent 'to appear in the presence of God for us' (Hebrews 9:24). How fortunate we are that [H]e is our 'advocate with the Father' (1 John 2:1)."

Even the worlds best lawyers are still fallible. The word of God is not. Lawyers are good for some things, but make it a knee jerk reaction to turn to God and/or local priesthood leaders even more earnestly when the temptation comes to seek legal help in marriage. As Christ did in Gethsemane, pray "more earnestly", pray for your spouse! (Any of you ever seen the movie War Room?) Turn to the scriptures and words of prophets more deeply, be willing change your perspective or opinion to match the word of God, whatever you need to do to make legal channels, as Collette called it, "plan infinity Z."

If you found this useful, please do share.